The Downsides to Being a Pumpkin

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Tonight I was drinking whiskey in my kitchen because I thought that might help jumpstart my dishwashing, and I thought about the pumpkins. When you think about pumpkins, you probably think about their namesake pie, or their disgusting Starbucks drink (shots fired!), or how people put their offspring in them for adorable photo ops. But let’s take a moment to consider the other side of pumpkins, the less glamorous side.

EXHIBIT A:
October 1: I need pumpkins on my doorstep, I need pumpkins in the entry, I definitely need these tiny pumpkins in my kitchen, GIVE ME ALL THE PUMPKINS!!!

November 1: OKAY CUMBERSOME ASSHOLES, YOUR STAY IS UP. [Can’t fit the pumpkins in the trashcan, lacks the caliber of animal to feed the pumpkins to, cannot throw in the backyard because I live in the suburbs and the guy whose house backs to ours probs wouldn’t love, can’t throw in street, GET OUT OF MY LIFE, YOU PUMPKINS] (But really, what do I do with these now? Help.)

EXHIBIT B:
October 1: I love this wall of pumpkins when I walk in the grocery store!! It makes me feel so joyful!

December 1: GET THESE GOURDS THE F AWAY FROM ME WHY ARE THEY STILL HERE.

In conclusion: It must be rough to be a seasonal squash.

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